If Men Were Birthing Babies

“Let me tell you something: I salute womanhood worldwide, because women are exceptionally tough for enduring the misery of childbirth.
I’ve cleaned hogs and gutted deer, but in my experience on Earth I’ve never witnessed such a brutal event.
If men were in charge of carrying and birthing our babies, we’d have a lot fewer people on Earth,
because we’d only do it once- I can promise you that!”
~ Phil Robertson,
Professional Hunter, Businessman, & Reality Television Star
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A Tool to Open the Heart

“I think that comedy is such a tool to open the heart, to loosen up the muscles, to loosen up the brain.
God knew how important it would be to laugh because He said it is a great medicine,
and when used properly, it is the greatest of medicines.”
~ Chonda Pierce,
Comedienne, Author, Philanthropist &
Co-Founder – Branches Recovery Center

Hockey, Basketball & Golf

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
~ Tiger Woods,
Professional Golfer, PGA Tour wins (80), European Tour wins (40), Japan Golf Tour wins (2),
Asian Tour wins (1), PGA Tour of Australasia wins (1) & Amateur wins (21)

Climbing this Hill

“Very often, you know, you stop walking because you say,
‘Well, I’m tired of climbing this hill.
I’m never going to get to the top.’
And you’re only two steps from the top.”
~ Morgan Freeman,
Actor, Film Director & Narrator

Sand Curves

“We all have hourglass figures; your sand just settles in different places.”
~ Octavia Lenora Spencer,
Actress, Author,
Awards Recipient of BAFTA, Golden Globe, SAG,
Critics’ Choice, and Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress (The Help, 2011)
Hello, WordPress Friends(Family)! On occasion I’ll be posting family-friendly humor,
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She’d Take Out Her Dentures …

““Boy, I remember on the farm, when we’d get depressed, Grandma could always cheer us up.
She’d take out her dentures and take a healthy swig of the aquarium and then hold a flashlight under a chin,
so we could watch the goldfish swim from cheek to cheek.
Boy, we could have watched them all day, but visiting hours were only from 10 to 4.”’
Make the most of it!”
~ Rose Nylund, The Golden Girls TV Series character acted by
Betty Marion White
,
Actress, Comedian, Singer, Author, Producer & Radio Host

The Christmas Bush, The Hanukkah Tree

“Christians get trees. Jews get bushes. To stay in good standing with the Tribe,
you’ve got to refer to a Christmas tree as a Hanukkah bush.”
~ Alan Colmes,
Television Host, Radio Host, Political Commentator,
Writer, Blogger & Author

Never on a Sunday

“Dan: “He told me Jackie thinks I’m like a god.”
Roseanne: “Well, that’s just ’cause you never do anything on Sunday.””
~ ROSEANNE
Dan Connor
Roseanne Connor
(Husband/Dad & Wife/Mom)
~ Image via NAME HERE

 

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Still Not Retired

“I’ve retired so many times now it’s getting to be a habit.”
“I’m always announcing my retirement. I’m still not retired.”
~ Dick Van Dyke,
Actor, Comedian, Singer, Dancer, Writer, Producer, Author,
Tony Award (1961), Emmy Awards (5X), Grammy Award (1964),
People’s Choice Awards (1976), American Comedy Awards (1994),
Television Critics Association Career Achievement Award (2003) &
Screen Actors Guild Award (2013)

Like Golf During an Earthquake

polo players & quote by Sylvester Stallone
polo players & quote by Sylvester Stallone: “Playing polo is like trying to play golf during an earthquake.”
“Playing polo is like trying to play golf during an earthquake.”
~ Sylvester Gardenzio Stallone,
Actor, Screenwriter, Producer & Director

Owe it to Spaghetti

“Spaghetti can be eaten most successfully
if you inhale it like a vacuum cleaner.
Everything you see I owe to spaghetti.”
~ Sophia Loren
a.k.a Sofia Villani Scicolone,
Actress,
Best Foreign Actress BAFTA Award, Best Actress Academy Award,
César Award, Golden Ariel Award,
& Grammy Award

Snoop’s Scoop

“When I’m not longer rapping,
I want to open up an ice cream parlor
and call myself Scoop Dogg.”
~ Snoop Dogg,
a.k.a. Calvin Cordozar Broadus, Jr.
Rapper, Singer, Songwriter, Film Actor, Voice Actor,
Entrepreneur, Investor, Record Producer & Television Director,

Ford, Wilder, Pryor, Presley & Norris All at Once

“When I was 8,
I thought I was
Harrison Ford,
Gene Wilder,
Richard Pryor,
Elvis,
and
Chuck Norris,
all at once.”
~ Dwayne Douglas Johnson,
a.k.a. The Rock,
Actor, Author, Founder of the Dwayne Johnson Rock Foundation & Professional Wrestler

In the Middle of January!

“My most embarrassing moment was when I was a student at Tufts University
and decided to go ‘streaking’ with a group of girls in the middle of January.
Somehow I lost them and ended up being chased by the campus police.”
~ Meredith Vieira,
Journalist & Talk Show Host

Catching Up with My Own Image

“I became a larger than life figure for one reason only.
When you’re quoted in the ‘Wall Street Journal’, the ‘New York Times’,
constantly as the expert in the business, people assume you’re a lot bigger
than you are. And then I had to run like hell to catch up with my own image.”
~ Barbara Corcoran,
Businesswoman, Investor, Speaker, Consultant, Syndicated Columnist,
Author & Television Personality.

A Wishbone, Backbone & Funny Bone

“To succeed in life, you need three things:
a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.”
~ Reba McEntire,
Singer, Songwriter, Actress, Record Producer, Grand Ole Opry (1986),
Grammy Awards (3X), & Country Music Hall of Fame (2011)

Thrive with Passion, Compassion, Humor & Style

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive;
and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.”
~ Maya Angelou,
Poet, Professor, Film Producer, Television Producer, Playwright,
Film Director, Author, Actress, Civil Rights Activist, and Dancer

I Can Listen to Myself, Now

“I’m my worst critic,
and I like the fact that I can listen to myself, now,
and make fun of myself, listen, make changes –
‘Oh, man, that’s messed up. Okay, I need to work on that;
I need to work on this.'”
~ Mary J. Blige,
Singer, Songwriter, Record Producer & Actress,
Grammy Awards (9x), Multi-Platinum Studio Albums (8x),
Founder – Matriarch Records, Fragrance – Melodies by MJB,
Fragrance Foundation FIFI Awards (2x), World Music Awards Legends Award (2006)
& ASCAP Voice of Music Award (2007)

Longer-Lived Than the Academy

“I just realized something, I’m older than the Academy,
plus 4 months, maybe 5.
I’m very proud of that.
Just keep moving!”
~ Eva Marie Saint,
Academy Award (1954), Primetime Emmy Award (1990),
Golden Boot Awards (2007), Hollywood Walk of Fame Stars (2X),
Ft. Lauderdale International Film Festival – Lifetime Achievement Award (1999),
Savannah Film and Video Festival – Lifetime Achievement Award (2000),
San Luis Obispo International Film Festival – King Vidor Memorial Award (2004),
& 2nd Annual BTVA Voice Acting Awards – Best Female Vocal Performance (2012),

A Tarzan Yell at B.G.

“I was once asked to do my Tarzan yell at Bergdorf Goodman,
and a guard burst in with a gun!
Now, I only do it under controlled circumstances.”
~ Carol Burnett,
Actress, Comedienne, Singer & Writer,

Dressed to Kill, In My Own Mind

“Your kids can say some cruel things to you at times. For example,
Nicole, Miles and Sofie are standing there in the room and
I’m dressed to kill in my own mind.
They’ll say to me,
‘Dad, you’re not going out there looking like that are you?’
If that doesn’t kill a star, I don’t know what does!”
~ Lionel Richie,
Singer, Songwriter, Actor Record Producer,
Pianist, Saxophonist, Breast Cancer Activist,
Grammy Awards (4x), Golden Globe Award (1986) & Academy Award (1986)

Like a Chocolate Bee Gee!

“My worst hair experience was when
I was trying to relax my hair
and my grandmother did it.
It went all straight
and I looked like a black Bee Gee.”
~ Jamie Foxx,
a.k.a. Eric Marlon Bishop
Actor, Singer, Songwriter, Producer, Comedian, Classical Pianist,
Cellist, Academy Award (2004), BAFTA Award (2004), Golden Globe Award (2004)
Image Award (1998, 2006, 2009) & American Music Award (2006)

Another One When I’m 80!

“I have a feeling, when I’m 80 years old,
I’m going to get a phone call: There’s going to be another ‘Rocky’.”
~ Talia Shire,
Actress

The Soul of a Singer

“I have the soul of a singer and do splendidly in the shower but the world will never hear it.
Basically, I’m the only Irish person who can’t carry a tune.”
~ Roma Downey,
Actress, Producer, & President – LightWorkers Media,

Non-surgical Lifting & Separation

“I hope they invent a machine in which you type in the age you want to be,
and it lifts and separates everything nonsurgically.”
~ Sandra Bullock,
Actress, Producer, Entrepreneur,
Founder – Fortis Films & Philanthropist

You HAVE to Write Them Back

letter-writing-pen-leave-2163257_1920
“It’s weird because my parents don’t really understand my business.
I get fan mail all day long, but if a piece happens to get to their house,
they’re like, ‘Oh, my God, you’ve got a fan! You have to write them back.
You have to do it!'”
~ Idris Elba,
Actor, Musician, Entrepreneur – DJ

The First Thing She Saw

“My mother says I didn’t open my eyes for eight days after I was born,
but when I did, the first thing I saw was an engagement ring. I was hooked.”
~ Elizabeth Taylor,
Actress, Businesswoman, Humanitarian, Philanthropist, Founder – House of Taylor, Academy Award (1960, 1966, 1992),
BAFTA Award (1966, 1999), Golden Globe Award (1960, 1985), New York Film Critics Circle Award (1966) & Screen Actors Guild Award (1997)

Especially if They Were a Female Alien

“If I had to describe myself to an alien
I’d say, “I was bigger than the average human,
enjoy a drink or two with a good meal
and have a bigger head than most.”
I’d also say, “I’m really handsome.”
– especially if they were a female alien.”
~ Dwayne Douglas Johnson
a.k.a. ‘The Rock’,
Actor, Author, Professional Wrestler,
& Founder of the Dwayne Johnson Rock Foundation

The Movie He Didn’t Like

“I phoned my grandparents
and my grandfather said ‘We saw your movie.’
‘Which one?’, I said.
He shouted, ‘Betty, what was the name of that movie I didn’t like?'”
~ Brad Pitt,
Actor, Producer, Entrepreneur & Philanthropist

Far As I Can Tell …

.
“Far as I can tell, I still have most of my hair,
my gut is not hanging over my belt,
and I still have all of my teeth.”
~ Sir Sidney Poitier, KBE
Actor, Director, Writer & Diplomat
British Academy Film Award Winner, Academy Award (Oscar) Winner,
Knight Commander of the Order of the British Empire (KBE),
Golden Globe Cecil B. DeMille Award Winner & Grammy Award Winner

Written on The Stone

“It will be written on my tombstone in very large letters,
‘Here lies Hikaru Sulu,’
and in very tiny letters, ‘aka George Takei.’
I don’t protest the inevitable. ”
~ George Takei,
Actor, Author, Voice Artist, Director & Activist

Behind, The Applause

“My mother used to tell this corny story
about how the doctor smacked me on the behind when I was born
and I thought it was applause, and I have been looking for it ever since.”
~ Kathleen Doyle “Kathy” Bates,
Actress, Director, Academy Award for Best Actress,
Golden Globe Award for Best Actress & Emmy Awards (2 Wins, 14 Nominations)

Knowing What’s More Than Enough

“Somebody once said,  “We never know what is enough until
we know what’s more than enough.””
~ Billie Holiday
a.k.a Eleanora Fagan,
Jazz Musician & Singer-Songwriter

If There’s a Bear CUB …

“When I was in Greenough, Montana, I came across a bear cub. I was off this path, and I thought,
“If there’s a bear cub, that means there’s a mother bear somewhere nearby.”
So, I doubled back. If I’d kept going,
I’m sure they would have eventually found my sneakers, and that’s about it.”
~ Al Roker,
Journalist, Weather Forecaster, Actor,
Television Personality & Author

Complex, Generous, Beautiful & Driven

“I was a personality before I became a person –
I am simple, complex,
generous, selfish,
unattractive, beautiful,
lazy and driven.”
~ Barbra Streisand,
Singer, Songwriter, Actress, Filmmaker & Philanthropist

The Kind Nobody Thought Could Make It

“I was the kind nobody thought could make it.
I had a funny Boston accent.
I couldn’t pronounce my R’s.
I wasn’t a beauty.”
~ Barbara Walters,
Broadcast Journalist, Author,
Daytime Emmy Awards (1975, 2003, 2009)
NAACP Image Award – Best Talk Series (The View, 2009)
Women in Film Crystal + Lucy Award (1998)
Paul White Award, Radio Television Digital News Association (1985)

To Be a Better Cook

“My daughters think I am a terrible cook, but I try really hard.
I would really like to be a better cook.”
~ Alex Rodriguez,
Professional Baseball Shortstop/Third Baseman:
Seattle Mariners (1994–2000), Texas Rangers (2001–2003), New York Yankees (2004–2013, 2015–2016)
All-Star (14x: 1996–1998, 2000–2008, 2010, 2011), World Series Champion (2009), AL MVP (3X: 2003, 2005, 2007),
Gold Glove Award (2X: 2002, 2003), Silver Slugger Award (10X: 1996, 1998–2003, 2005, 2007, 2008),
AL Hank Aaron Award (2001–2003, 2007) & Grand Slams with 25.

Muppets Can Be Gorgeous, Too

“I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.”
~ Angelina Jolie,
Actress, Filmmaker, Humanitarian, Academy Awardee,
Screen Actors Guild Awardee (2X) & Golden Globe Awardee (3X)
Honorary Dame Commander of the Order of St Michael & St George

Twenty-year Old Boxes!

“Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society.
We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.”
~ Erma Bombeck,
Humorist, Syndicated Columnist, Author & Writer

Friends, Family, Good Health & Louboutins

“At Thanksgiving, I always start at the top of my list
and say I’m grateful for friends, family and good health.
Then, I get more superficial… like being thankful for my Louboutins.”
~ Christie Brinkley
a.k.a Christie Lee Hudson,
Super-Model, Actress, Artist,Author & Entrepreneur
~ Have a blissful Thanksgiving celebration! I am grateful for you and your ‘follow’. Thank-you!

Be Amphibious?

“My high-school coach Tony Reginelli was kind of famous for ‘Reggie-isms,’ kind of like ‘Yogi-isms.’
He always said if you want to be a good quarterback, when sprinting left you want to be amphibious and throw left-handed.
I told him, ‘You mean ambidextrous, coach?'”
~ Peyton Williams Manning,
National Football League (NFL) Quarterback (1998 – 2015 /div>

Laughing at Yourself

“One thing that I am proud of: I am really capable of laughing at myself.”
~ Penelope Cruz,
Actress, Model, Philanthropist, Clothing Designer, Academy Award (2008),
Empire Award, Goya Award, BAFTA Awards, European Film Award, & Hollywood Walk of Fame Star,

Siphoning is Not Likely

“They think they can make fuel from horse manure –
now, I don’t know if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon,
but it’s sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.”
~ Billie Holiday
a.k.a Eleanora Fagan,
Jazz Musician & Singer-Songwriter

The One ‘Never-Answered’ Prayer

“The only time my prayers are never answered
is on the golf course.”
~ William Franklin “Billy” Graham, Jr.,
Evangelist, Orator, Author, Radio Broadcaster – Hour of Decision,
Founder – Billy Graham Evangelistic Association,
Founder – Christianity Today, Founder – Decision, &
President – Samaritan’s Purse

A Child’s Perspective

“I make jokes about it, but it’s the truth that I kind of patterned my look after the town tramp.
I didn’t know what she was, just this woman who was blond and piled her hair up,
wore high heels and tight skirts, and, boy, she was the prettiest thing I’d ever seen.
Mamma used to say, “Aw, she’s just trash.”,
and I thought, “That’s what I want to be when I grow up. Trash.”” .
~ Dolly Rebecca Parton,
Singer-Songwriter, Actress, Author, Businesswoman, Humanitarian,
Grammy Awards (8X), Grammy Nominee (46X), Academy Award Nominee (2X),
Country Music Association Awards (10X), Academy of Country Music Awards (7X),
American Music Awards (3X), & Country Music Association’s Entertainer of the Year Award
Hello, WordPress Friends!
I hope this bit of humor has
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One’s Perspective

“It’s your outlook on life that counts.
If you take yourself lightly and
don’t take yourself too seriously,
pretty soon you can find the humor
in our everyday lives.
And sometimes it can be a lifesaver.’
Make the most of it!”
~ Betty Marion White,
Actress, Comedian, Singer,
Author, Producer & Radio Host
born January 17, 1922 – Active, still

Intuition & Femininity

“God gave women intuition and femininity.
Used properly, the combination easily jumbles
the brain of any man I’ve ever met.”
~ Farrah Fawcett,
Actress, Artist. Emmy Award (4X) nominee
& Golden Globe Award (6X) nominee

Nailed It!

“My nails are my rhythm section when I’m writing a song all alone.
Some day, I may cut an album, just me and my nails.”
~ Dolly Parton,
Singer-Songwriter, Actress, Author, Businesswoman, Humanitarian,
Grammy Awards (8X), Grammy Nominee (46X), Academy Award Nominee (2X),
Country Music Association Awards (10X), Academy of Country Music Awards (7X),
American Music Awards (3X), & Country Music Association’s Entertainer of the Year Award
Hello, WordPress Friends!
I hope this bit of humor has
made you all smile!

,

The Butter-Stick

Butter, Butter Popsicle, Butter on a Stick,
“The new specialty at the Iowa fair this year is FRIED butter on a stick.
Of course, if you’re like me and you want like to eat healthy, get your stick of butter BAKED.”
~ James Douglas Muir “Jay”  Leno,
Comedian, Actor, Writer, Producer, Voice Actor,
& Television Host The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (1992–2009, 2010–2014)
The Jay Leno Show (2009–2010)
~ Image via NAME HERE

Announcing You!

“I decided that I would be one of the biggest new names; and I actually had some little fancy
business cards printed up to announce it, ‘Count Basie. Beware, the Count is Here.'”
~ Count Basie
a.k.a William James Basie
,
Jazz Pianist, Organist, Bandleader, & Composer