Giving Birth

“Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.”
~ Carol Burnett,
Actress, Comedienne, Singer & Writer,

My Thighs are Covered!

“I have flabby thighs, but, fortunately my stomach covers them.”
~ Joan Rivers
a.k.a Joan Alexandra Molinsky,
Actress, Comedian, Writer, Producer,
Television Host & Emmy Award Winner

Hockey, Basketball & Golf

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
~ Tiger Woods,
Professional Golfer, PGA Tour wins (80), European Tour wins (40), Japan Golf Tour wins (2),
Asian Tour wins (1), PGA Tour of Australasia wins (1) & Amateur wins (21)

Climbing this Hill

“Very often, you know, you stop walking because you say,
‘Well, I’m tired of climbing this hill.
I’m never going to get to the top.’
And you’re only two steps from the top.”
~ Morgan Freeman,
Actor, Film Director & Narrator

Sand Curves

“We all have hourglass figures; your sand just settles in different places.”
~ Octavia Lenora Spencer,
Actress, Author,
Awards Recipient of BAFTA, Golden Globe, SAG,
Critics’ Choice, and Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress (The Help, 2011)
Hello, WordPress Friends(Family)! On occasion I’ll be posting family-friendly humor,
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She’d Take Out Her Dentures …

““Boy, I remember on the farm, when we’d get depressed, Grandma could always cheer us up.
She’d take out her dentures and take a healthy swig of the aquarium and then hold a flashlight under a chin,
so we could watch the goldfish swim from cheek to cheek.
Boy, we could have watched them all day, but visiting hours were only from 10 to 4.”’
Make the most of it!”
~ Rose Nylund, The Golden Girls TV Series character acted by
Betty Marion White
,
Actress, Comedian, Singer, Author, Producer & Radio Host

The Christmas Bush, The Hanukkah Tree

“Christians get trees. Jews get bushes. To stay in good standing with the Tribe,
you’ve got to refer to a Christmas tree as a Hanukkah bush.”
~ Alan Colmes,
Television Host, Radio Host, Political Commentator,
Writer, Blogger & Author

A Sense of Humor Can Save You

“It’s good to be able to laugh at yourself
and the problems you face in life. Sense of humor can save you.”
~ Margaret Cho,
Stand-Up Comedian, Actress, Fashion Designer, Author & Singer-Songwriter.

Never on a Sunday

“Dan: “He told me Jackie thinks I’m like a god.”
Roseanne: “Well, that’s just ’cause you never do anything on Sunday.””
~ ROSEANNE
Dan Connor
Roseanne Connor
(Husband/Dad & Wife/Mom)
~ Image via NAME HERE

 

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I hope this bit of humor from
NAME and NAMEhas
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Still Not Retired

“I’ve retired so many times now it’s getting to be a habit.”
“I’m always announcing my retirement. I’m still not retired.”
~ Dick Van Dyke,
Actor, Comedian, Singer, Dancer, Writer, Producer, Author,
Tony Award (1961), Emmy Awards (5X), Grammy Award (1964),
People’s Choice Awards (1976), American Comedy Awards (1994),
Television Critics Association Career Achievement Award (2003) &
Screen Actors Guild Award (2013)

Keep Me in Your Heart

“If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together,
keep me in your heart, I will stay there forever.”
~ Winnie the Pooh
Hollywood Walk of Fame Star (2006), Icons of England List (2006),
Cartoon Character
Created by Alan Alexander Milne
~

Achieving Beyond Slothfulness

“The kindest word to describe my performance in school was Sloth.”
~ Harrison Ford,
National Association of Theatre Owner’s “Star of the Year” (1994),
Empire Magazine’s #1 of “The Top 100 Movie Stars of All Time” (1997),
People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” (1998),
Harris Poll’s “America’s Favorite Movie Star” (1998, 1999, & 2000),
AFI Life Achievement Award (2000), Cecil B. DeMille Award (2002), Hollywood Walk of Fame Star (2003), Jules Verne Award (2006), Saturn Awards for Best Actor (1981, 2015), Living Legends of Aviation Award (2009), Experimental Aircraft Association’s Freedom of Flight Award (2009), Wright Brothers Memorial Trophy (2010) & Al Ueltschi Humanitarian Award (2013)

Like Golf During an Earthquake

polo players & quote by Sylvester Stallone
polo players & quote by Sylvester Stallone: “Playing polo is like trying to play golf during an earthquake.”
“Playing polo is like trying to play golf during an earthquake.”
~ Sylvester Gardenzio Stallone,
Actor, Screenwriter, Producer & Director

Owe it to Spaghetti

“Spaghetti can be eaten most successfully
if you inhale it like a vacuum cleaner.
Everything you see I owe to spaghetti.”
~ Sophia Loren
a.k.a Sofia Villani Scicolone,
Actress,
Best Foreign Actress BAFTA Award, Best Actress Academy Award,
César Award, Golden Ariel Award,
& Grammy Award

Ford, Wilder, Pryor, Presley & Norris All at Once

“When I was 8,
I thought I was
Harrison Ford,
Gene Wilder,
Richard Pryor,
Elvis,
and
Chuck Norris,
all at once.”
~ Dwayne Douglas Johnson,
a.k.a. The Rock,
Actor, Author, Founder of the Dwayne Johnson Rock Foundation & Professional Wrestler

In the Middle of January!

“My most embarrassing moment was when I was a student at Tufts University
and decided to go ‘streaking’ with a group of girls in the middle of January.
Somehow I lost them and ended up being chased by the campus police.”
~ Meredith Vieira,
Journalist & Talk Show Host

A Tarzan Yell at B.G.

“I was once asked to do my Tarzan yell at Bergdorf Goodman,
and a guard burst in with a gun!
Now, I only do it under controlled circumstances.”
~ Carol Burnett,
Actress, Comedienne, Singer & Writer,

Like a Boy Named Sue

“My name, my real name, is Tracy.
I always thought I was like a boy named Sue.
So I made my friends call me ‘Tray.'”
~ Ice-T
a.k.a. Tracy Lauren Marrow,
Musician, Rapper, Songwriter, Actor,
Record Executive, Record Producer & Author

Dressed to Kill, In My Own Mind

“Your kids can say some cruel things to you at times. For example,
Nicole, Miles and Sofie are standing there in the room and
I’m dressed to kill in my own mind.
They’ll say to me,
‘Dad, you’re not going out there looking like that are you?’
If that doesn’t kill a star, I don’t know what does!”
~ Lionel Richie,
Singer, Songwriter, Actor Record Producer,
Pianist, Saxophonist, Breast Cancer Activist,
Grammy Awards (4x), Golden Globe Award (1986) & Academy Award (1986)

Diapers: 30 Seconds Flat

“I can change a diaper in 30 seconds flat.
I set the new one beneath the old one.
That way, it’s just wipe and pull the flap over.”
~ Drew Brees,
Quarterback – San Diego Chargers (2001–2005) & New Orleans Saints (2006–Present),
Super Bowl champion (XLIV), Super Bowl MVP (XLIV),
Pro Bowl (11× – 2004, 2006, 2008–2014, 2016, 2017),
Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year (2010),
Walter Payton NFL Man of the Year (2006),
Author, Businessman, Philanthropist & Co-Founder – Brees Dream Foundation

Like a Chocolate Bee Gee!

“My worst hair experience was when
I was trying to relax my hair
and my grandmother did it.
It went all straight
and I looked like a black Bee Gee.”
~ Jamie Foxx,
a.k.a. Eric Marlon Bishop
Actor, Singer, Songwriter, Producer, Comedian, Classical Pianist,
Cellist, Academy Award (2004), BAFTA Award (2004), Golden Globe Award (2004)
Image Award (1998, 2006, 2009) & American Music Award (2006)

Changing Men!

“You can’t keep changing men,
so you settle for changing your lipstick.”
~ Heather Locklear,
Actress,
Golden Globe nominee, Best Actress – Television Series Drama (4x)
Golden Globe nominee, Best Actress – Television Series Musical or Comedy (2x).

Non-surgical Lifting & Separation

“I hope they invent a machine in which you type in the age you want to be,
and it lifts and separates everything nonsurgically.”
~ Sandra Bullock,
Actress, Producer, Entrepreneur,
Founder – Fortis Films & Philanthropist

The First Thing She Saw

“My mother says I didn’t open my eyes for eight days after I was born,
but when I did, the first thing I saw was an engagement ring. I was hooked.”
~ Elizabeth Taylor,
Actress, Businesswoman, Humanitarian, Philanthropist, Founder – House of Taylor, Academy Award (1960, 1966, 1992),
BAFTA Award (1966, 1999), Golden Globe Award (1960, 1985), New York Film Critics Circle Award (1966) & Screen Actors Guild Award (1997)

Especially if They Were a Female Alien

“If I had to describe myself to an alien
I’d say, “I was bigger than the average human,
enjoy a drink or two with a good meal
and have a bigger head than most.”
I’d also say, “I’m really handsome.”
– especially if they were a female alien.”
~ Dwayne Douglas Johnson
a.k.a. ‘The Rock’,
Actor, Author, Professional Wrestler,
& Founder of the Dwayne Johnson Rock Foundation

The Movie He Didn’t Like

“I phoned my grandparents
and my grandfather said ‘We saw your movie.’
‘Which one?’, I said.
He shouted, ‘Betty, what was the name of that movie I didn’t like?'”
~ Brad Pitt,
Actor, Producer, Entrepreneur & Philanthropist

Far As I Can Tell …

.
“Far as I can tell, I still have most of my hair,
my gut is not hanging over my belt,
and I still have all of my teeth.”
~ Sir Sidney Poitier, KBE
Actor, Director, Writer & Diplomat
British Academy Film Award Winner, Academy Award (Oscar) Winner,
Knight Commander of the Order of the British Empire (KBE),
Golden Globe Cecil B. DeMille Award Winner & Grammy Award Winner

Necessary, Destiny-Changing Tools

“When you give kids the tools
necessary to change their destiny, it’s really empowering.”
~ Octavia Lenora Spencer,
Actress, Author,
Awards Recipient of BAFTA, Golden Globe, SAG,
Critics’ Choice, and Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress (The Help, 2011)
Hello, WordPress Friends(Family)! On occasion I’ll be posting family-friendly humor,
in addition to the other quotes, in hopes that the words of those quotes make you smile!

Written on The Stone

“It will be written on my tombstone in very large letters,
‘Here lies Hikaru Sulu,’
and in very tiny letters, ‘aka George Takei.’
I don’t protest the inevitable. ”
~ George Takei,
Actor, Author, Voice Artist, Director & Activist

Behind, The Applause

“My mother used to tell this corny story
about how the doctor smacked me on the behind when I was born
and I thought it was applause, and I have been looking for it ever since.”
~ Kathleen Doyle “Kathy” Bates,
Actress, Director, Academy Award for Best Actress,
Golden Globe Award for Best Actress & Emmy Awards (2 Wins, 14 Nominations)

Knowing What’s More Than Enough

“Somebody once said,  “We never know what is enough until
we know what’s more than enough.””
~ Billie Holiday
a.k.a Eleanora Fagan,
Jazz Musician & Singer-Songwriter

If There’s a Bear CUB …

“When I was in Greenough, Montana, I came across a bear cub. I was off this path, and I thought,
“If there’s a bear cub, that means there’s a mother bear somewhere nearby.”
So, I doubled back. If I’d kept going,
I’m sure they would have eventually found my sneakers, and that’s about it.”
~ Al Roker,
Journalist, Weather Forecaster, Actor,
Television Personality & Author

Complex, Generous, Beautiful & Driven

“I was a personality before I became a person –
I am simple, complex,
generous, selfish,
unattractive, beautiful,
lazy and driven.”
~ Barbra Streisand,
Singer, Songwriter, Actress, Filmmaker & Philanthropist

The Kind Nobody Thought Could Make It

“I was the kind nobody thought could make it.
I had a funny Boston accent.
I couldn’t pronounce my R’s.
I wasn’t a beauty.”
~ Barbara Walters,
Broadcast Journalist, Author,
Daytime Emmy Awards (1975, 2003, 2009)
NAACP Image Award – Best Talk Series (The View, 2009)
Women in Film Crystal + Lucy Award (1998)
Paul White Award, Radio Television Digital News Association (1985)

To Be a Better Cook

“My daughters think I am a terrible cook, but I try really hard.
I would really like to be a better cook.”
~ Alex Rodriguez,
Professional Baseball Shortstop/Third Baseman:
Seattle Mariners (1994–2000), Texas Rangers (2001–2003), New York Yankees (2004–2013, 2015–2016)
All-Star (14x: 1996–1998, 2000–2008, 2010, 2011), World Series Champion (2009), AL MVP (3X: 2003, 2005, 2007),
Gold Glove Award (2X: 2002, 2003), Silver Slugger Award (10X: 1996, 1998–2003, 2005, 2007, 2008),
AL Hank Aaron Award (2001–2003, 2007) & Grand Slams with 25.

Twenty-year Old Boxes!

“Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society.
We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.”
~ Erma Bombeck,
Humorist, Syndicated Columnist, Author & Writer

Happiness: The Bomb Cosmetic!

“Happiness is the bomb cosmetic! When I’m smiling,
sometimes I’m giving thanks for all the things
I have rather than worrying about the things I don’t.”
~ Yaya DaCosta,
a.k.a. Camara DaCosta Johnson
Actress & Model

Friends, Family, Good Health & Louboutins

“At Thanksgiving, I always start at the top of my list
and say I’m grateful for friends, family and good health.
Then, I get more superficial… like being thankful for my Louboutins.”
~ Christie Brinkley
a.k.a Christie Lee Hudson,
Super-Model, Actress, Artist,Author & Entrepreneur
~ Have a blissful Thanksgiving celebration! I am grateful for you and your ‘follow’. Thank-you!

Be Amphibious?

“My high-school coach Tony Reginelli was kind of famous for ‘Reggie-isms,’ kind of like ‘Yogi-isms.’
He always said if you want to be a good quarterback, when sprinting left you want to be amphibious and throw left-handed.
I told him, ‘You mean ambidextrous, coach?'”
~ Peyton Williams Manning,
National Football League (NFL) Quarterback (1998 – 2015 /div>

Siphoning is Not Likely

“They think they can make fuel from horse manure –
now, I don’t know if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon,
but it’s sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.”
~ Billie Holiday
a.k.a Eleanora Fagan,
Jazz Musician & Singer-Songwriter

The One ‘Never-Answered’ Prayer

“The only time my prayers are never answered
is on the golf course.”
~ William Franklin “Billy” Graham, Jr.,
Evangelist, Orator, Author, Radio Broadcaster – Hour of Decision,
Founder – Billy Graham Evangelistic Association,
Founder – Christianity Today, Founder – Decision, &
President – Samaritan’s Purse

A Child’s Perspective

“I make jokes about it, but it’s the truth that I kind of patterned my look after the town tramp.
I didn’t know what she was, just this woman who was blond and piled her hair up,
wore high heels and tight skirts, and, boy, she was the prettiest thing I’d ever seen.
Mamma used to say, “Aw, she’s just trash.”,
and I thought, “That’s what I want to be when I grow up. Trash.”” .
~ Dolly Rebecca Parton,
Singer-Songwriter, Actress, Author, Businesswoman, Humanitarian,
Grammy Awards (8X), Grammy Nominee (46X), Academy Award Nominee (2X),
Country Music Association Awards (10X), Academy of Country Music Awards (7X),
American Music Awards (3X), & Country Music Association’s Entertainer of the Year Award
Hello, WordPress Friends!
I hope this bit of humor has
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Intuition & Femininity

“God gave women intuition and femininity.
Used properly, the combination easily jumbles
the brain of any man I’ve ever met.”
~ Farrah Fawcett,
Actress, Artist. Emmy Award (4X) nominee
& Golden Globe Award (6X) nominee

Nailed It!

“My nails are my rhythm section when I’m writing a song all alone.
Some day, I may cut an album, just me and my nails.”
~ Dolly Parton,
Singer-Songwriter, Actress, Author, Businesswoman, Humanitarian,
Grammy Awards (8X), Grammy Nominee (46X), Academy Award Nominee (2X),
Country Music Association Awards (10X), Academy of Country Music Awards (7X),
American Music Awards (3X), & Country Music Association’s Entertainer of the Year Award
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I hope this bit of humor has
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,

The Butter-Stick

Butter, Butter Popsicle, Butter on a Stick,
“The new specialty at the Iowa fair this year is FRIED butter on a stick.
Of course, if you’re like me and you want like to eat healthy, get your stick of butter BAKED.”
~ James Douglas Muir “Jay”  Leno,
Comedian, Actor, Writer, Producer, Voice Actor,
& Television Host The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (1992–2009, 2010–2014)
The Jay Leno Show (2009–2010)
~ Image via NAME HERE

Announcing You!

“I decided that I would be one of the biggest new names; and I actually had some little fancy
business cards printed up to announce it, ‘Count Basie. Beware, the Count is Here.'”
~ Count Basie
a.k.a William James Basie
,
Jazz Pianist, Organist, Bandleader, & Composer

Armed & Fabulous

“The entire Spring and Summer line from Marc Jacobs
was stolen on the way to the fashion show in Paris.
The thief is considered armed and fabulous.”

~ James Douglas Muir “Jay”  Leno,
Comedian, Actor, Writer, Producer, Voice Actor,
& Television Host The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (1992–2009, 2010–2014)
The Jay Leno Show (2009–2010)
from The Tonight Show, November 17, 2011

Still Wearing Those PJs

(on acting with John Wayne)
“John Wayne was my father’s favorite actor,
and we went to the local drive-in theatre to see every one of his movies.
We’d have to wear our pajamas,
’cause we’d always fall asleep in the car on the way home,
and when I actually met “The Duke”
I had the strangest sense of deja vu,
like I was still wearing those pajamas.”
~ A Martinez
a.k.a Adolfo Larrue Martinez III
,
Actor, Singer & Daytime Emmy Award for Outstanding Lead Actor,
& ALMA Awards (2000, 2001, 2002), Red Nation Film Award of Excellence,
Red Dirt International Film Festival Award & Soap Opera Digest Awards (3X)

Doggy Eau De Toilette: The Toilet Water They Drink

clean, pretty toilet, white, Quote by Jay Leno, Pet Humor, Dog-breath Humor, mouthwash,
“If you don’t want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:
Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.”
~ James Douglas Muir “Jay”  Leno,
Comedian, Actor, Writer, Producer, Voice Actor,
& Television Host The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (1992–2009, 2010–2014)
The Jay Leno Show (2009–2010)

A Mistaken Impression

“Scientists are complaining that the new dinosaur movie shows
dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn’t evolve for another million years.
They’re afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression.
What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing?”
~ James Douglas Muir “Jay”  Leno,
Comedian, Actor, Writer, Producer, Voice Actor,
& Television Host The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (1992–2009, 2010–2014)
The Jay Leno Show (2009–2010)

Inherited Kid-Wrinkles!

Doris Day quote, "Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty."
“Wrinkles are hereditary. Parents get them from their children.”
~ Doris Day
a.k.a Doris Mary Ann Kappelhoff
,
Actress, Singer, Animal Rights Activist and Hotelier
~ Image courtesy of Wikipedia Commons

Carrying COOKIES!

an assortment of cookies
“I usually travel with a Posse. I roll deep.
I travel like a rapper, yet without the artillery.
We don’t carry guns, we carry COOKIES.”
~ Gabriel “Fluffy” Iglesias,
Comedian, Actor, Writer, Producer & Voice Actor
~ Image via NAME HERE

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Eating Half of The Inventory

candy-selection-509758-sriom
“I was always a kid trying to make a buck.
I borrowed a dollar from my dad,
went to the penny candy store,
bought a dollar’s worth of candy,
set up my booth, and sold candy
for five cents apiece.
Ate half my inventory,
made $2.50,
gave my dad back his dollar.”
~ Guy Fieri,
Restaurateur, Author, Television Host, Hunt & Ryde Winery Owner & Emmy Award
~ Image via NAME HERE

When I’m 57 …

“I don’t want to be on stage when I’m 57,
talking about… ‘Let’s Get It Started.'”
~ will.i.am
a.k.a William James Adams
,
Founder of i.am Angel,
Director of Creative Innovation for Intel (2011),
Founder of The Back-Eyed Peas,
Rapper, Singer, Songwriter, Entrepreneur,
Actor, DJ, Record Producer, Philanthropist,
Grammy Awards (7), American Music Awards(8), Billboard Music Award,
Daytime Emmy Awards (2), Latin Grammy Award, Television Rack Awards (10x),
Teen Choice Award, MTV Video Music Awards (2) and World Music Awards (3)